"The Evolving Relationship"

Like many people, I am a person who, over the course of my adult life, has tucked away bits of wisdom for periodic refreshers in the future. Unfortunately, those intentions are quickly forgotten as are those bits of wisdom. As I re-discover some of those treasures, I will share them with you.

Cowboy Bob
January 22, 2011



THE EVOLVING RELATIONSHIP
by
Jordan Paul, Ph.D and Margaret Paul, Ph.D

We are not born afraid to show our emotions. Babies freely express their feels of pain, joy, sexuality. Unafraid of rejection, we are born open to life, curious, eager to learn. We cry when unhappy, hurt or afraid. Later, when happy, we add laughter to our natural repertoire of behavior and still later, sexual feelings and curiosity are naturally expressed. We flowed from our instinctual, inner self and were one with that natural self -- our outer behavior and inner feelings were harmonious. We are not born afraid of being who we really are.

The more approval children get for their natural self the greater their self-esteem. It’s that kind of love which teaches faith and self-respect. We all need love if the potential in all areas of our personality is to flower. Only by meeting challenges can we grow, but when we are afraid of failure, disapproval, and rejection, we pull in, afraid to venture further and test ourselves out.

The messages we start receiving soon after birth, however, are that there is something wrong with us. Our cries often bring disapproval -- “Don’t cry” (accompanied with irritation, anger, hitting). “You’re too sensitive” (said with disgust). “You mean that hurt your feelings?” (said with derision). “You shouldn’t let things like that upset you.” (said with caring but an obvious message that there’s something wrong with you for feeling sad). “I’ll give you something to cry about.” (no comment necessary for that one). Expressions of intense, spontaneous, free-flowing joy and curiosity bring more disapproval - “Calm down,” “Control yourself,” “Don’t ask so many questions.” (all carrying the message that you’re wrong, bad, not right). Expressions of sexuality bring even more disapproval A great deal of our natural curiosity, openness, and sensitivity -- fear, sadness, frustration, joy, sexuality, sensuality -- is made wrong by those who are most important to us; our family.

How could we, as young children, have believed we were okay when the constant overt and covert beat of our parents’ message was, “You are not okay. You need to change who you really are and become what we think you should be and then you will be lovable.” Since children are very sensitive to parental rejection, disapproval hurts and is frightening. Needing our parents love and approval but not getting support for who we really are, we become protected with the hope of becoming lovable. We learn to hide our natural responses by either suppressing our feelings or getting angry.

As we grow up, our protections become so well engrained and automatic that, as adults, we are often unaware that we’re protected most of the time. We become so identified with our protected side we may believe that’s who we really are. When protections are lowered (for instance, when we fall in love, ingest certain chemicals, or go on vacation) the person we experience may not feel like our real self. Our natural self may have diminished to the point where it feels like a stranger.

We become approval seekers, afraid to be ourselves, believing that we’re not okay, forgetting our real identity, looking to others to tell us how to be. We absorb our parents’ beliefs that the universe is a dangerous, unfriendly place and therefore we must always be on guard, protected. We lose faith in ourselves, in the God within and without. Putting most of our energy into trying to be what we hope will be an okay, acceptable, lovable, worthwhile person; we lose touch with who we really are.

The poster in our office, which is almost everyone’s favorite, shows a very sad dog looking out a window saying, “I’ve tried so hard to be what I’m supposed to be that I forgot who I am.” Not a very pretty situation, is it? And we keep doing this generation after generation. Is there any wonder that we have such little faith in the inherent goodness of either ourselves or our children?

Jordan Paul and Margaret Paul, authors of the book Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? are psychologists and are licensed Marriage